We got a good amount of baby boys room setup the other weekend. Crib, dresser, glider, part of the decals. All ready to go.
Clothes once again washed and ready.
It was like twisting string of what was supposed to be, what isn't and what will be. There was heartache washing all the clothes. I had already done this for Spencer, and he never got the chance to see it, or wear it. The dresser had already been built for him, but the crib had remained boxed and the glider was ordered just for this new life.
It is hard to feel like this room belonged to someone else, when they never got to own it. So now I see it as being passed on to a little brother. Not given or taken away, but passed down to a little boy who will grow there knowing of the big brother and knowing he mattered.
But the true heartbreak is when Kenzie, awesome big sister that she is, asks to help with his room. She wants to put clothes away and test out his chair and steal his rocket blanket (space theme). But, she often refers to the things and room as Spencer's. 'I take to Spencer's room, mama' 'I like Spence blanket'. It breaks my heart that she never met him.
She sees pictures and knows he is her brother, which I am so proud of. We explain that this room and these things are for peanut now. The little brother growing in my belly. The brother she will meet soon.
That Spencer is with us in his tree, and his quilt and that his things are around the house so we think of him, but that this little boy is not Spencer, and this room is not for Spencer anymore.
But when this new little boy comes home, will she call him Spencer? When we tell her his name, what will she think. Will she be mad at him for wearing Spencer's shirt, Will she call him Spencer and need us to explain? Will she easily transition to this new little boy with his position as little brother and will she forget or ignore that Spencer is that too?
It hurts when she goes into his room and says things like 'bye Spencer' when leaving, but I think it might hurt more to suddenly not hear her say his name anymore.
At night we sing baa, baa, blacksheep. But the sheep has 6 bags of wool. One for Kenzie, mom, dad, Spencer, Kooza and Peanut. Hopefully the only change to that song will be giving peanut an actual name.
Right now we have family pictures in the hall and at bedtime she goes down the line saying goodnight to everyone, including Spencer. We'll make sure it continues, but I still hope to hear her name from him at random times.
Who knows, maybe she'll meet peanut and know he is a different brother, and talk to both of them, or tell peanut about Spencer.
I don't know. I just know we promised Spencer we would have this room ready for his little brother to come home too, and we intend to keep that promise.
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