Sister, sister

My little girl...our light in this darkness.

She has saved us more than she will ever know.

My heart aches for her.

Kenzie was 18mos old when Spencer was born. We had read her the 'big sister' books. Bought the big sister outfits. Had a gift for her to give to him, and vice versa. We had talked to her about babies and shown her the toys and things that would be his.

Then on the day he was born, we sent her to school in a 'big sister' shirt. Letting everyone know the day was here.

She didn't know it...but she was ready for a role she never got to play

But, Kenzie would never meet her little brother. She would never get to act in the role of big sister.

She never got to tell him to stop bugging her, to complain to us about sharing a bathroom or wanting him out of her room.

We would never get those first pictures of her holding him.

We wanted so much to give Kenzie a sibling, and we were so excited for them to be close in age.

The reality is that we tell her she had a little brother she loved, she was a great big sister while he was here and that he loved her, and we told him all about her. We will tell her all about him too, forever. But instead of getting to know him, holding him and telling him all these things herself, we tell her to say goodnight to a picture on a wall. It breaks my heart.

Seems like so many photos, but when it is almost all you have...

Yesterday, while playing in the yard, she took a cup from her water table and watered the Spencer tree, without ever seeing us do it.

She pointed to a picture of him on a ledge and told our friend that was her 'Bruder.' She is an amazing big sister- without us even knowing how.

Spencer, we tell her, brother. Goodnight Spencer, love you brother.