This is a bit of a downer post-a bit ramb-ly and a bit long- feel free to skip.
Anyway, the phrase 'why me' or 'why us' 'Why Spencer' is one I have said many times, and one I suppose I will always say in relation to this.
I've been thinking 'why me' a bunch lately. See, I have no less than 5 friends due with babies in 2019. NOT including my mom group from Kenzie.
2019 is my friends baby boom year- hell I was the one to kick it off, the first baby due. Now? I am forever relegated to the sidelines. Now I am the cautionary tale friends tell.
The 'I knew a girl...all tests were great...pregnancy was great...delivery was textbook...but ...'
Yeah. I'm that story. I'm the 2019 baby that will never be.
Even in my online groups.
When I was pregnant with Kenzie I joined a Bump group for Aug babies.
I joined a group when I was pregnant with Spencer as well. I did, however, leave that group a few weeks after he passed away. It was just too hard to see everyone talking about what I was supposed to be going through and wasn't.
Both of these groups of women have been incredible to me throughout everything. From Kenzie's surgeries to everything with Spencer. I have gotten words of encouragement, cards, gifts, love and so much more from all of them.
But, it is hard. I left the Feb mom group- but remained online friends with some, and see regularly their kids hitting milestones that remind me of where we 'should' be with Spence.
The Aug moms- I was one of the first to have the next round of kids. But now, there are many more. It is hard to hear of people's appointments, growth, due dates, plans, newborns. I do not begrudge them our safe mom space or their awesome news one bit. But I do sometimes feel like the odd man out. I do feel that tinge of 'why me' or rather, 'why not me?' why do I NOT get to be sharing fun newborn news?
As it was with my mom group, Kenzie's open heart surgery was a pretty massive departure from the growth track most of them were on. Yes, we had some early birds, some pt/ot, some challenges. But Kenzie's issues were seemingly above and beyond.
Then we had Spencer, and I got put in such a very different mom box than anyone else I knew, I became forever the odd man out.
Even in my heart mom group, I am odd man. I'm the mom who's heart warrior kicked ass and who's heart healthy kid, didn't make it. I am not the story these moms normally tell.
So it has been hard lately, seeing all the happy announcements and news from my mom crew and friends. Wondering why my happy news didn't get to stay happy. Why did I have to be the odd man out for both Kenzie and Spencer. What did I do? Why do I have to spend the rest of my life without my 2019 baby? Why did all the tests say things looked good, why am I the cautionary tale of how good things can go before they implode?
Why me? Why Us? Why Spencer?
*Note- this is not the time to pull the 'why not you' card, and when I say 'Why me' I do not mean to indicate in any way-this card should have been dealt to anyone else. This card should not have been dealt at all. To anyone. Ever.*
Am I lucky in other ways? Yes. Am I aware that other people have it worse? Yes. But that doesn't mean, from time to time, I don't get to feel like I will forever be on the outside looking in on what it was supposed to be.
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