Happy-Healthy

Dan and I said throughout my pregnancy... as long as this baby was 'happy and healthy' we were done.

Our family would be complete.

Maybe we said it too much? Maybe the universe decided we were too cocky about being done? Maybe the universe just wanted to see what we would do with not happy- not healthy? Because happy and healthy was not where we ended up.

Happy? maybe for the fist little bit. At least Spencer didn't seem unhappy, or uncomfortable, or hurt. At least not the first few weeks. Though some of that can be attributed to his conditions. Where sense of pain, and intense fatigue were all part of the package.

Healthy? Not so much. But, we had handled medical issues before with Kenzie, so our vision and hope for healthy didn't mean perfect. It just meant, healthy- able to live. We could have lived with one of the genetic conditions Spencer had. Hard as hell, but we would have done it. We could have lived with both his conditions, harder than hell- but he was our son.

But we were not given that option.

By the end- healthy had been thrown out the window going 100mph with no plan of stopping.

Happy and Healthy....Now what?

Now I wonder- did we ask for too much? When we joked about happy and healthy-were we too relaxed about it? Too assumptive?

When we joked, and he was born, did the universe say 'Sorry, not what you wanted, so you can't have him at all?' Because that is how it feels.

Doesn't every parent wish their kid is happy and healthy? I mean, I didn't ask for blue eyes, 6ft tall, athletic, smart, etc. I asked for happy and healthy.

What was I supposed to wish or hope for? Nothing? or maybe...maybe I just should have wished for him to live.

Happy...Healthy. Why was that too much to ask for?