Dear 2020

Dear 2020-

As we were closing in on 2019 last year, I asked the New Year to kick 2018s ass.

We had been through so much, especially with things medically and Kenzie. We really felt 2019 was going to bring us amazing things. Especially since we were quickly approaching the arrival of our son.

While 2019 did bring us the love and joy of Spencer, it also brought challenges that made Kenzies open heart surgery look like a day in the park. And ultimately, 2019 brought us the loss of our son. Stole our joy in a mere 6 weeks.

2019 kicked 2018s ass, that is for sure. But it kicked it in the worst way possible. In the exact opposite direction we needed.

It pulled us into a grief and a loss we will never 'get over' or 'get passed'. It pulled us into a loss we will live with every day for the rest of our years.

So, 2020. With the impending arrival of another son, I ask you to kick 2019s ass in the BEST way possible. You are off to a good start with the arrival of Kenzie and Spencer's little brother. But we really need him to arrive happy and healthy. We need him to come home to his awaiting room, and to grow up in this house with us and Kenzie and Spencer's tree.

We need, want, ask for a year so happy, healthy, positive and beyond what we could dream of so that we can breathe again. We need to look at the future with positivity for the benefit of the children we are granted the ability to raise. Not more darkness that puts fear into how we see them and the world. We need our optimism restored in ways we probably don't even realize. We need the good to be easily found, instead of taking so much effort to find, that it exhausts us.

I am grateful for the good we have, don't get me wrong. I am. But, I just don't think we can do another year of holding it together and hoping for something better to be on the other side of our battles. I don't think we have any fight left in us, for another tough year.

I don't need miracles. Some amazing good, possibly life altering awesomeness wouldn't be turned down, but I will be content with just solidly in the GOOD category.

So- 2020. Take a look at 2018 and 2019 and please kick equal or more amount of ass in the best way possible. Because this family could use it.

See you soon 2020- please please be good.

And 2019- thank you for Spencer and Kenzies brightness, but you are a year I will remember largely for the high of having Spencer, and forever for the low of losing him. You are a year that I would never wish to forget, but that I wish had gone very differently.